Practical Philosophy


>>ALL RIGHT.
NOW INSIDE THE VAULT THERE COULD BE GUARD
DOGS,
LASER TRIP WIRES, WHO KNOWS?
SO BE CAREFUL.
I’LL KEEP A LOOK OUT.
>>ALL RIGHT, BLOW THE CHARGES.
>>OKAY.
>>HA!
JUST SOME OLD DUDE ON A CHAIR.
THOUGHT THERE’D BE SOME SORT OF SECURITY
SYSTEM.
>>I AM THE SECURITY SYSTEM.
>>NO, SERIOUSLY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>>READING A IMMANUEL KANT.
>>OKAY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID,
OR WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO DO, BUT WE’RE
GOING TO TAKE ALL
THIS AND IF YOU TRY TO STOP US, THEN WE’LL
SHOOT YOU.
>>FINE, TAKE THE MONEY.
YOU OBVIOUSLY DESERVE IT.
>>DESERVE IT?
I AM STEALING IT.
>>JASON, LET’S JUST TAKE THIS–>>WHAT IS
YOUR POINT?
OBVIOUSLY YOU MUST THINK THAT YOU’RE SMART
OR STRONG ENOUGH
TO STEAL SOMETHING DESERVES TO HAVE THAT THING
NO?
>>YEAH.
SURE I DO.
>>SO, STRONG MAN TAKES MONEY FROM WEAK OLD
GRANDMOTHER,
STRONG MAN DESERVES THIS MONEY YEAH?
>>YEAH!
WAIT…NO.
>>WHAT?
JASON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THERE’S MILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF GOLD IN HERE.
>>BUT WHAT IF IT’S GRANDMA’S GOLD?
>>LISTEN, STOP TRYING TO CONFUSE US.
WE ARE TAKING THIS GOLD.
WHO CARES WHO DESERVES WHAT?
>>FINE.
BUT I WONDER IF YOUR COLLEAGUE HERE THINKS
THAT HE DESERVES
WHATEVER HE CAN TAKE.
INCLUDING YOUR SHARE OF THE GOLD.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
>>BUT, YOU PINKY PROMISED.
>>AW!
WELL SOUND THE ALARM.
PROFESSIONAL THIEVES ARE ALWAYS
KNOWN FOR KEEPING
THEIR PINKY PROMISES.
NOT.
>>HOW DO I KNOW YOU AND JEREMY HAVEN’T MADE
A PLAN TO CUT ME OUT!
HOW CAN I TRUST A LIAR!
>>OH JASON.
BURN YOUR PREDATORY MORAL PHILOSOPHY IS RENDERING
YOU UNTRUSTWORTHY.
>>TELL ME HOW I CAN TRUST YOU.
>>I DON’T KNOW.
MY WHOLE LIFE WAS BASED OFF THAT PREDATOR,
FLORAL–>>PREDATORY MORAL PHILOSOPHY.
>>MEAN PHILOSOPHY.
MY WHOLE LIFE IS CRUMBLING BEFORE MY EYES.
CAN I EVEN TRUST MYSELF?
>>NO JASON, YOU CANNOT.
TRUSTWORTHINESS REQUIRES
CONSISTENCY AND YOU HAVE
ELECTED TO PICK AND CHOOSE WHEN YOU ARE TRUSTWORTHY.
YOU SHOULD FEEL VERY BADLY ABOUT YOURSELF.
FEEL FREE TO CRY.
>>WELL WHAT ABOUT YOU?
HOW CAN I TRUST YOU?
YOU’RE THE BIGGEST LIAR I KNOW.
>>OH WHITNEY, HE’S CALLED YOU FAT.
>>[GASP]>>WHAT’S TAKING SO–
>>WHOA!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
>>WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT WE CAN’T TRUST
EACH OTHER
BECAUSE WE’RE THIEVES
AND OUR PINKIES DON’T MEAN
ANYTHING ANYMORE, JEREMY!
>>YOU KNOW GUYS, I’M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT.
I MEAN, WHY CAN’T WE HAVE DIFFERENT MORAL
SYSTEMS FOR
DIFFERENT GROUPS OF PEOPLE?
I MEAN, SOLDIERS DON’T FIND IT IMMORAL TO
KILL THEIR ENEMIES,
BUT DO FIND IT IMMORAL TO KILL THEIR FELLOW
SOLDIERS.
SO, IT’S CONCEIVABLE THAT WE CAN BE GENUINELY
TRUTHFUL
TO OUR CO-CONSPIRATORS REGARDLESS OF HOW MANY
LIES
WE’VE TOLD OTHER PEOPLE.
>>YEAH.
WAIT, WHAT?
>>WHAT YOUR COLLEAGUE HAS JUST PROPOSED, JASON,
WOULD SOW
THE SEEDS FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.
>>WHOA, JEREMY NOT COOL.
>>OH PLEASE.
>>ACCORDING TO YOU ANYONE CAN JUSTIFY BEING
UNTRUSTWORTHY
AS LONG AS THEY CLASSIFY OTHERS AS PART OF
AN ENEMY GROUP.
JASON IF YOU’RE STILL CONFUSED AT THIS POINT,
YOU ARE YOUR OWN ENEMY AND NOTHING OF WORTH
OR VALUE
EXISTS IN YOUR COGNITION.
[CRYING]>>MY COGNITION, GUYS!
>>IF EVERYONE HAS THIS APPROACH,
NOBODY COULD TRUST ANYBODY.
THEREFORE, JEREMY WISHES
FOR THE DEMISE OF CIVILIZATION.
>>BUT, I’M A GENTLE, LOVING PERSON.
>>CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
WHITNEY, TAKE HIM OUT.
>>OH MAN!
WE’RE MONSTERS!
I’M FREAKING OUT!
>>AND THEY SAY PHILOSOPHY IS A USELESS MAJOR.
>>UH, I’M STILL GOING TO TAKE THIS GOLD.
>>UH, NO, YOU CANNOT.
YOU’RE FORGETTING ABOUT THE MORAL THEORY
OF A–
TWO OUT OF THREE IS NOT BAD.

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